Is My Marriage Emotionally Abusive?

When you live in a marriage that compromises your value, resilience can very quickly become tolerance.

According to Peter Crone, a woman's capacity to withstand unhealthy environments (when combined with the absence of self-worth) goes from resilient and powerful to someone who has abandoned themselves and is now in "toleration" mode.

For me, toleration mode meant my light dimmed. My body literally kept score: it started with a whisper (e.g., constant fatigue, brain fog) and then roared when I wouldn't listen (two ER trips within six weeks).

One of my biggest hurdles was simply accepting the reality of my marriage, and I found two quizzes incredibly clarifying. Both provided a vocabulary for what I was going through and seeing the results in black and white made it impossible for me to keep denying the truth.

The first is Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman's emotional abuse quiz.

The second is Leslie Vernick's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," with a quiz that spotlights different types of abuse, so you can pursue more specific resources that fit your situation. I cherish the section on repair and restoration and revisit it often as a gut check anytime I'm tempted to reconcile.

FYI, that Natalie and Leslie are Christians, and their resources beautifully integrate scripture with modern science/psychology. I also found it easy to swap out the biblical references for other belief systems.

And I use the word "reconcile" with intention because I don't believe forgiveness equals reconciliation. Not without a full accounting, true remorse, taking accountability, and a genuine desire to evolve past the behavior. Words are wind, and actions express priorities. Forgiveness is one step in a much longer journey to rebuild trust into a new relationship.

And that only happens when both parties can tell the truth (truth is the root, trust is the fruit on that vine), are willing to do their part, and support the other through the process.

See also: "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different" and "Forgiveness doesn't lead to closeness, safety, or connection" and "Forgiveness is not trust restored. Trust is gained slowly, broken quickly."

But I digress. :)

What books, resources, podcasts, support groups, etc., did you find most helpful during your divorce journey? What helped you realize your marriage was emotionally abusive? Submit your recommendations (or a blog post on lessons learned, so far) to laura@onmessage.co.