How List-Making Can Help You Process Emotions & Move Forward

More than just "to-dos," list-making can be a cathartic exercise to bring more clarity, understanding, and healing to any situation.

I use it when I'm particularly stuck on life's big questions, and I wanted to share two examples that may help you make sense of the past, stay grounded in the present, and envision a better future for you and your kids.

IDEA 1: Write down every terrible, abusive, traumatizing, and/or hurtful memory from your marriage. The cruel words. The dishonest actions. The betrayals and lies. The broken promises. All of it.

Each memory can be expressed in paragraphs, one sentence, or a few words, it's up to you! The important thing is to catalog the reasons you left the marriage. I keep this list somewhere handy as I unfortunately need to keep adding to it.

For now, I use this list to stay grounded in my decision to leave. With a young child, "no contact," is impossible, so every time I miss him or imagine reconciling, I read the list and ask myself: 1) are these things still unacceptable to me and/or would I want my son to be in this kind of relationship? and 2) has there been any action-oriented (versus charming words or more hollow promises) and consistent change, growth, accountability, and/or remorse from my ex?

And a QUICK scan of this list is usually all it takes for me to jolt back into radical acceptance of my current reality and the gratitude I feel being out of that relationship.

One word of warning: ruminating over this list can be unhelpful. It happened. It was real. And now we all have to shift back (with grace and compassion) to the present moment and live from there. Trust yourself and truly believe that no matter what happens from here on out, you will have the wisdom and strength to make healthier choices.

IDEA 2: Let's make a list of verbs! Make a list of the top 10 themes of your ex-husband's treatment towards you during the marriage. Examples include dismissed, abandoned, betrayed, lied, manipulated, and on and on. Sit with that list for a few days. Refine and "roll up" the themes as much as you can until you land on your top themes. Continue to think about them for a few days.

Now go back to the list and next to each theme, right a time (or pattern of behavior) where you did that to yourself, independent of your ex-husband. For example: disrespect: "I disrespect myself every time I say YES when I really want to say NO."

And now, my dear ones, you have a list of themes to grow within yourself because our greatest wounds reveal the work left undone. As you play and practice each item on your list, go slow and give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Treat yourself like your best friend would treat you (I literally channel one particular friend every time my inner voice turns negative or doubtful).

For example, I've learned to take accountability for my lack of boundaries (or rather, holding him to any boundaries), ignoring my intuition and the red flags present on day one, and switching up my negative and critical self-talk for grace and compassion.

You can also take that list of verbs and draft their inverse...and now you have a list of green flags you're seeking in the next relationship. This list can serve as a serious gut check when you meet or date someone new.

I also use it to measure myself: where can I be more patient, respectful, and present in my life? Like attracts like, and if you have to embody what you want to attract.

How have lists helped your healing journey? Drop me a line at laura@onmessage.co.